Everyone has deep hurts close to their heart. Those things that we never want to examine again. Those things that we perceived as a child as hurtful. The fact remains that if we experienced them as adults, most things would have little effect on us.
Here's one that I distinctly remember. I was about six years old and had the most beautiful (my perception) dress with so many under skirts on it that my arms couldn't be placed close to my body unless I used force to keep them there. The top of the dress was pink and the bottom was grey with pink butterflies in a felt relief that shimmered in the sunlight. I was so proud of that dress that during a walk around the neighborhood with a happy heart my arms were swishing back and forth so I could feel the skirts. Every once in a while I would swish my arms and twirl in a circle at the same time. I was practicing doing two things at a time at a dare from my brother. I mastered the feat that afternoon.
It was on that day I discovered it was dangerous to be too happy. As I mindlessly twirled and swished I was unaware of the old lady on her porch quietly rocking and watching me with disdain. She was not afraid to tell me I was a bad little girl for wanting to show everyone my underwear. HUH? No, I was swishing and twirling. How did she get that I wanted to show my underwear? My sensitive little girl spirit was instantly shattered in a million pieces, never to fully recover.
I now had no where to show happiness. I couldn't demonstrate it in my home, for various reasons. Now I couldn't go outside to be happy either. This one event altered my entire personality. I became quiet and withdrawn in all things. My social skills were stunted to begin with, and they suffered an even worse fate.
I was the perfect little girl because I was quiet and never gave an opinion. Fear lived within me 24/7. My cousins didn't connect with me (on my mother's side) because they thought I was 'perfect'. No, I was deeply injured. Those injuries still have not fully healed. I think they have, then some small thing happens and they surface. I pray then because I know Christ will fully heal my little girl spirit with time. More time. These things don't hurt like they use to. I'm an adult now and can rationalize and forgive. Too bad forgetting is not in the cards.
If I ran into that same woman today, I would laugh and swish even more, then lift my dress to prove she was right. Therein lies the difference between an adult and a sensitive little girl.
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